Fifty Shades Darker

A Very Late and Cranky Review

I’m not a quitter but I do occasionally regret starting this mission. Sure, in a pre-Trump, pre-Brexit world–this was all hilarious. The idea of a pussy-grabbing billionaire existing outside of the pages of these atrocious novels seemed a lark and improbable. 2016 fucking showed us. Anyway. The sequel to the somewhat moronic “Fifty Shades of…… Continue reading A Very Late and Cranky Review

Fifty Shades Freed

Chapters Four and Five: Ana Steele is a Melania Who Thinks she’s a Michelle

“I’m restless.” Do you want to know why Anastasia Steele is restless, readers? No, me neither but we don’t have a choice. She’s restless because her husband has been “holed up in the onboard study for over an hour”. She then goes on to list all of the activities that she has tried to distract…… Continue reading Chapters Four and Five: Ana Steele is a Melania Who Thinks she’s a Michelle

Fifty Shades Freed

Chapters Two & Three:Why Do They Do This to Girls Like Me?

Chapter Two begins with Christian forcing Ana to cover up while they’re on the beach. Now, the last time I picked this piece of tar up, it was a pre-Lemonade world. Now, it’s a post-Lemonade world and I can say without any remorse that Anastasia Steele is definitely  a “Becky with the good hair”. She’s…… Continue reading Chapters Two & Three:Why Do They Do This to Girls Like Me?

Fifty Shades Freed

Chapter One: You did this, world. You did this by buying this trash.

It’s been two long years. Two long, agonising, frustrating, hair falling out, questioning the publishing industry, questioning natural taste, questioning life itself years and I have reached numero three. The two previous books did nothing other than introduce us all to the most lifeless, detestable and downright pathetic couple to ever grace literature with their moaning and…… Continue reading Chapter One: You did this, world. You did this by buying this trash.

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How “Titanic” Taught Me to Love my Body and my Resting Bitch Face

  “Titanic” was the first “grown-up” film I was allowed to watch. I expect I was roughly eight years old, and I was taken straight off the Disney Princess films and Roald Dahl adaptations and plunged (sorry) straight into the choppy waters of an adult, Hollywood blockbuster–telling the true story of a tragic accident in…… Continue reading How “Titanic” Taught Me to Love my Body and my Resting Bitch Face

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Why Hating Valentine’s Day is Impressing Nobody

I keep my mouth shut throughout all the Christian holidays. Or rather, the uber-Christian holidays. I don’t demand that people explain to me why rabbits are synonymous with Jesus being resurrected. I don’t roll my eyes at people giving up things for lent, only to betray their own moral compass by gorging on chocolate within the…… Continue reading Why Hating Valentine’s Day is Impressing Nobody