Fifty Shades Freed

Chapters Two & Three:Why Do They Do This to Girls Like Me?

Chapter Two begins with Christian forcing Ana to cover up while they’re on the beach. Now, the last time I picked this piece of tar up, it was a pre-Lemonade world. Now, it’s a post-Lemonade world and I can say without any remorse that Anastasia Steele is definitely  a “Becky with the good hair”. She’s a basic white girl who doesn’t deserve to live in Beyonce’s world, but here I am stuck with her for the next–ooh–five hundred pages.

Never mind that “Don’t Hurt yourself” beautifully sums up how I feel about Christian Grey. But this isn’t about Bey. Unfortunately. This is about A and C.

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Ana timidly narrates that Christian is “not to be argued with” and they hastily leave the beach. Yeah, don’t you hate that? I mean when your girlfriend has the audacity to show a bit of skin on a strip of sand by the sea. Like, where does she think she is–oh, wait never mind, you’re a twat.

Ana asks him not to be mad at her as they make their way back to his yacht. He gives her the silent treatment, which I guess she sees as some kind of punishment. You know, the silent treatment towards a loved one is a sign of narcism. It means they think so highly of themselves that they consider your lack of conversation a vicious act of deprivation.

Stay silent, Grey, it makes you a tad less odious when you’re not talking.

They have sex on the boat and maybe it’s been too long since I last forced myself to read about these two, but I can’t stop laughing. It’s so seventies, vintage porno. One has to ask if E. L. James has bonked in this century; things have evolved, new tricks have been introduced. In vanilla circles, let alone BDSM.

Chapter Three opens with Ana seeing her reflection and experiencing mild shock upon realising that Christian has somehow covered her upper body with hickeys. When she demands to know why he’s covered her in love bites, his answer is chilling and not even a little bit funny.

“Well, you won’t take your top off again.”

He. Covered. Her. In. Bruises. So. She. Wouldn’t. Get. Naked. In. Public.

SOMEONE CALL A FUCKING SHELTER; THIS GUY IS A MONSTER!

The chapter ends with Christian getting a call to let him know someone tried to burn down his house. Sadly, for us, neither he or Ana were inside.

I guess this is a weak attempt at plot and suspense. Whatever. I’m over it.

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