Fifty Shades Darker

Chapters 19/20: THE SECOND TO LAST BLOG POST

Oh, la! This is the penultimate post concerning “Fifty Shades Darker”. And what an enlightening journey it has been. It’s somewhat remarkable for an author to produce a novel of 465 pages and have literally zero plot or character development. Not since spotty adolescents locked themselves away writing terrible fan fiction has there been tat like this. Congratulations, E L James.

This chapter begins with Christian’s entire family and Ana all gathered in the apartment panicking because they haven’t heard from Christian. They have all automatically assumed that something terrible has happened, because that’s natural. Billionaires with dubious careers never work late or forget to call so he must have been kidnapped or dumped in a ditch somewhere.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!

But no, he’s fine. He shows up seconds later and is surprised that everyone was worried. I am, too, Christian. I was secretly hoping for your death and some action but alas no, here you are. His mother cries and Ana loses her shit. She cries and talks about how she cannot live without him.

That’s the problem with two dimensional characters. When their outlet is gone, they fall to pieces and can’t put themselves back together.

Kate’s there with Elliott and she makes a joke about her and Ana one day becoming sisters. You know, because that’s what you do when you’ve been dating someone for all of three months. You fantasise about marriage and children and clean kitchen surfaces.

When Christian and Ana are finally alone, she starts crying all over again and he retrieves his jacket and–lo and behold–takes out a a gift Ana has hidden for him. It’s a keyring with the word “yes” on it.

“Happy birthday” she says.

If I was given Ana Steele for my birthday, I’d chuck her in the back and drop her off at the nearest car boot sale but Grey seems pleased for some reason. They have shower sex. It’s vanilla and dull.

The next morning, Ana says that she wants to tell Ray and her mother that she and Christian are now engaged. Christian frowns and says,

“Yes, you’re right…um, I should ask your father.”

“Oh, Christian…this isn’t the eighteenth century.”

COULD HAVE FUCKING FOOLED ME!! Seriously? We’re pretending that this is a story of post-modern bliss when the dude doesn’t understand consent and the girl has never read a book or made a single proactive decision? Fuck this book.

Ana then goes on to tell Christian that because it’s his birthday, she’s willing to return to the red room of pain.

I love you so much, darling, I’m willing to go against my comfort zone and my personal limits to make you happy so you won’t leave me.

Did I mention how happy I am that some impressionable young women might be reading this? Seriously, this book is as shitty for women as those nasty-ass PUA handbooks are for men. Gross all around.

So there it ends. Two surprisingly short chapters where very little happens. Grey and Ana are engaged, Ana will never have to inconvenience herself by actually having to work ever again and Christian will have full control over her. God speed. I’m guessing an accidental pregnancy can’t be far behind.

Will probably try to do something special for the last couple of chapters to celebrate the end of the journey, but haven’t figured what.

Until next time, shaders!

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