Fifty Shades Darker

Chapters 14-18: Plot? No. Character? No. Butt Plugs? Yes!

OH, LAWD! It’s been an age. Life has well and truly gotten in the way of this blog; I’m dating again, I have a ton of coursework to complete and I’m  entering scripts and projects into the stratosphere left, right and centre but I can’t leave a job undone and while I hate these books, I love this blog. So it’s good to be back.

Also I’m into “The Archers” now. Ain’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?

So Chapter Fourteen begins with Christian and Ana post-Leila argument, with Ana crying and telling Christian that she loves him. Obviously she’s under the illusion that telling someone that you love them automatically means that they have to do whatever you want. In this instance, Christian must immediately get over his mental issues so that Ana can feel more comfortable around him.

Heinous, insensitive bitch? Right this way, Miss Steele.

Once she has the focus safely back on her, she gives the basic do-nothing speech. She moans about “why do you like meeeeeee? Why did you pick meeeeeeee? Why do you like me when I’m so unattractiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive-uh???”

I ask myself that everytime I pick up this frigging book, Ana. I really do.

They whine and moan with each other for a few pages, claiming to love each other. They’re very reminiscent of the two lovers from Commedia D’ell Arte. As in, they’re in love with the idea of love and with themselves, rather than with each other.

But that’s none of my business, E. L James….

However, things are about to take a quick right-turn. Ana pushes and pushes Grey, begging to know the reason why he’s worried she’ll leave him. She says whatever his dark secret is, it won’t scare her away.

So he tells her.

“I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore–my birth mother.”



Ana is shocked and disgusted, which she makes very clear by throwing a tantrum. It provokes some good eye-rolling from me. Honestly, if this girl existed in real life, she’d be the one hanging around garages talking about how “other girls just don’t seem to like her”.

Christian becomes nervous that this new information might scare his fragile little doormat away, so he asks her to marry him.

“Well, kids, Daddy asked me to marry him shortly after confessing that he liked to whip, punish and fuck me because I looked like his mother? Any questions?”

Sweet Jaysus.

Ana tells him “maybe”, saying she’ll think about it. I guess this is an attempt at plot because I’ve given up hope that there will be any legitimate character development at this point. They go to bed somewhat peeved at each other.

She wakes up the next day and they have some nonchalant, slightly awkward now that we know he has an oedipus complex, sex. Ana then leaves him in bed to head to her work.

Jack Hyde, her creepy boss, reprimands her for being late and she huffs and pouts and emails her boyfriend for the rest of the morning, because that’s what young professionals do.

Do they fuck. Get your shit together, Steele. If you can’t be on time and act like a grownup, then resign and give the job to a girl like me who’ll actually do the work. Then go and marry your billionaire boyfriend and become a fat housecat.

Ana spends the entire workday doing fuck-all and calling her boyfriend at every opportunity, and then having the nerve to wonder why her boss looks mad at her. Now I’m sure we’re going to get our long-awaited sexual harassment scene at any moment now, but that doesn’t negate the fact that Ana does no work and yet expects everyone to fall all over her.

Please get your head out of your anus, Miss Steele. I can’t take this for much longer.

Ana ponders if it’s possible for her to actually marry Christian Grey. Sure, it’s fine for her to take his money, let him buy her a car, let him get her a guaranteed position in his company and pay all her bills and expenses but can she actually marry him and become legally affixed to all his financial assets?

This girl makes me want to load a shotgun. She needs a biography of Gloria Steinem and a week alone to read it and reflect. It won’t grow her a brain, it’s too late for that, but maybe it’ll grow her a spine and some self-respect.

Mia calls briefly to discuss Christian’s birthday. I skim. I’m so bored.

At the end of the day, it’s just Jack and Ana in the office and he creeps up on her in the kitchen area.

“At last, I have you on your own.”

Okay, I’m the first girl to say sexual assault and harassment is very serious and way too common, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to write dialogue like it’s from a stupid PSA.

Jack goes on to say that he knows about Christian’s past and will only keep quiet if Anastasia fucks him.

Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had that one manager at that one job who got too handsy and too inappropriate and it’s not okay, so this doesn’t make for pleasant reading. Especially when Ana is incapable of standing up for herself in any conceivable way.

She manages to escape and runs downstairs, where Christian is waiting with the car. She reveals what’s happened and he is furious, swearing revenge. We get to see some nice victim-blaming from him, and Ana cries and cries and cries.

When they get home, they have dinner and Christian introduces her to the genital clamps he’s bought her.

Because there’s nothing a survivor of sexual harassment wants more than brand new sex toys mere hours after the ordeal. What a fantabulous boyfriend you are, Grey. Who needs to be held when you have your own vibrating butt plug.

This book is declining. It started off badly and has gotten steadily worse. I’m so grateful that I have only four more chapters to go. Hear that? FOUR MORE!!!!

Until next time, Shaders.








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