Fifty Shades Darker

Chapters Six and Seven: E.L James proves that women make the best misogynists!

Chapter Six opens with Christian and Ana jumping on each other. Lots of dirty talk that sounds as if it’s been penned by a randy fourteen year old. Grey stops for a second to remark on how wet Ana is.

I’m not. Not once in this book, or the one before it, did any line of prose create even the smallest tingle of arousal. I know it must grow boring to read about my constant bafflement with this book, but it needs repeating. I still don’t understand what’s caused so many women across the world to wait until their other halves are asleep so they can “enjoy” this piece of muck.

There’s fingering and “teasing” and lots of fumbling and it’s got me rolling my eyes and, in true British fashion, silently wondering when it will be over. At least Ana’s on top this time, so it’s not completely identical to every other sex scene that’s been drafted in before now.

When it’s finally over, Christian asks Ana why she doesn’t realise how attractive she is. When she plays dumb, he says, “All those boys pursuing you–that wasn’t enough of a clue?”.

Well, no, because we know Ana is as thick as pig shit. She demonstrates this point by saying, “Boys? What boys?”

I DUNNO, MAYBE THE ONE THAT TRIED TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT YOU, ANA???!!!? Now, sexual assault is never a compliment but it is USUALLY an indicator of someone wanting sexual relations. But, no, Ana Steele considers herself far too lowly and plain; that man’s lips must have accidentally fallen on top of hers. By accident. Unintentionally.

Because she’s so gosh-darn unappealing.

Her false modesty is vomitous.

Later, they’re getting ready to go out. Ana is wearing a designer gown and Louboutins that Christian bought her, making her somewhat of a highly paid escort, and Christian decided he wants to put two little silver balls up her puss while they’re out and about.

Once the little balls are inserted, Christian waves away any discomfort or second thoughts by gifting her with Cartier diamond earrings.

I love him for who he is, I swear! It’s nothing to do with the fact that he buys me designer wear and expensive jewellery. I’d love him if we were living in a yurt.

Bull.Crap. Fifty Shades of Capitalism.

They leave to go to some fancy masked ball/fundraiser. Christian’s entire security team seem to be coming with them, and he lends Ana a mask before they leave. Hopefully, when they’re wearing their masks, they’ll be stupid enough to lose one another in the ballroom and they’ll go home with more interesting, dynamic partners and this story might actually be worth reading.

When they arrive in the big fancy ballroom where all the other rich and elite people are, Ana is whisked away from Christian by his annoying sister, Mia. Christian gives them a lengthy thirty seconds to converse before he drags Ana away.

Can’t have Ana making friends, can we? Need to keep her on a tight, isolated leash.

They eventually sit down to dinner with the rest of Christian’s family, all at a nice, vexing and entitled table together. The menu is posh, too posh for me to even finish reading, and waiters pour wine and water for everyone.

After dinner, an auction begins. Things like a week’s stay in Mr and Mrs. Grey’s Aspen ski lodge are up for grabs and, since everyone there besides Ana is obscenely rich, money starts to fly.

Ana bids on something, seeing as she had the money her car made for her, and Christian is angry. After all, he’s the rich one. He’s the one that buys people’s affection. He should be the one dropping bids, for Christ’s sake.

“Ana, come on, it’s time for the first dance auction.”

This is Christian’s sister to Ana after the real auction is over. I’m already suspicious. My everday-sexism sense is tingling. This is not going to be positive or empowering and therefore not sexy.

But Ana follows Mia like a gullible little lamb to the slaughter and they walk onto the stage where the (male) M.C speaks to the crowd of three hundred people.

“Gentlemen, the highlight of the evening. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. These twelve lovely ladies have all agreed to auction their first dance to the highest bidder.”

Excuse me. EXCUSE ME.

What year is this? Are people just stupid.

Are. People. Just. Stupid.

Please, argue amongst yourselves what these women are worth and then pay for them–entitling you to their company as if they’re cattle.

And this is all written by a woman. Which makes it so much worse.

Ana, however, does not do what I or any self-respecting woman would do. She does not snatch the microphone from this creep’s hands and inform the room that their money would be better spent at a woman’s shelter, or a suicide hotline, rather than on a woman’s private company.

No, she stays where she is and giggles through it, hoping that Christian will “win” her.

When it’s finally Ana’s turn, Christian interrupts the MC and starts his bid off at $10,000.

He is counter bid at $15,000.

It’s some stranger in a mask who seems keen to wind Grey up. I like him already, even if he is wasting his money on a misogynistic pursuit.

They bid back and forth like two entitled frat boys until Christian wins by bidding $100,000.

I’m almost 100% DONE with this story.

Ana joins him on the ballroom floor for their dance that could pay off my student loans, and then they sneak off to have sex somewhere.

After a couple of orgasms, they return to the dance floor and the MC calls for music. Or rather, he says, “Take it away, Sam.”

You know, like Sam from “Casablanca”. That story which is a billion times better than this one. I hope E. L James isn’t making a smug little reference to said film, in the hope that her own “creation” is up there with the great.

It’s not. It really is not, E. L James.

Rick did not, in my memory, tell Ilsa that he wanted “to claim her ass”.

Ana is introduced to the man who offered the counter bid. He is Dr. Flynn, Christian’s therapist, and the two of them dance. He can’t, I would imagine, be a real therapist as he seems more than willing to discuss his “patient” with Ana.

Doctor/patient confidentiality be damned, eh? Who cares!

Ana is then dragged away by Elena (Mrs. Robinson) who tells Ana that if she hurts Christian, she will track her down and hurt her.

Go Elena. I like you.

Ana laughs her off and acts like a class. A bitch. Seems this meek, mild and timid act is only for the boys. When she’s with women, she’s perfectly capable of handling herself.

The kind of person I hate.

When Ana returns to the party, she dances with Christian’s dad and the flirty, eyelid-fluttering, virginal baby doll is back. Me? A bitch? Never, Christian, I’m your spineless sex doll; here only for your pleasure.

They leave the ball and return home, only to be told by Taylor that “the perp” (his cray-cray ex) has somehow entered the building.

Somehow, despite all the security they put in place, a lone woman has found her way in. Ana and Christian are both alarmed and shocked upon hearing this and the chapter ends.

Kind of awkward that Ana is still wearing the vibrating silver balls.

Here’s a real love story!


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