Fifty Shades Darker

Chapters Four and Five: Christian drops Ana off for a fully body wax…because love

I’d believe that there is real, genuine love between these two if their entire relationship wasn’t just Ana rewarding Grey with sex every time he buys her something. It is of course lovely to have someone buy you a gift, I can understand this myself. But do you know what’s even better, Ana? Living your own live, earning your own money, paying your own bills and being fully confident and in control of your own body and its needs. Sheepishly allowing someone to bang you because you’re grateful that they’ve bought you an iPad is not empowering.

Regardless, chapter four begins with Grey thanking Ana for the fuck and Ana thanking him for the iPad he gave her. And Nora Ephron looks down from strong women heaven and heaves a sad, disappointed sigh.

But it gets worse. Christian drags her out of bed declaring that he wants food. Ana laughs and says, “Since you ask so nicely, I’ll get right on it.”

I just threw the book across the room.

We’re spared a disgustingly sweet scene where Ana whips up a stir-fry for his highness while he does fuck all, as the author cuts straight to the two of them eating dinner in the living room.

“I usually do all the cooking. Kate isn’t a very good cook.”

Oh, do fuck off, Ana. And you, E. L James. Stop vilifying Kate; she’s the only decent character in this melodramatic piece of anus. Why is she so terrible at cooking, Ana? Oh, yeah, because she’s a feminist! That’s right. So naturally, she isn’t domestic in any way. She just shags whoever she wants, with full consent no less! How vulgar! She speaks her mind and has strong opinions! And she’s chosen to date a guy who’s nice to her and doesn’t emotionally and physically abuse her, BUT SHE DOESN’T COOK!!! Write her off, she’s not a real woman!

Fuck you, Ana. You’re half the woman Kate is.

They go on to talk about Ana’s work and her creepy boss, and Grey assures her that if she quits that company he will just buy whichever new publishing house employs her.

You know, because everyone in Washington is keen to hire an inexperienced, twenty-two year old drip who went through her entire higher education without using a computer.

They go back to the bedroom, this time with Ben & Jerry’s, to partake in a little ice cream foreplay. Now I can’t take the moral high ground here, having done this myself, but I would never recommend Ben & Jerry’s. Far too innocent.

Haagen Dazs. Always Haagen Dazs.

When it’s over, Ana finally tells Christian about the two-dimensional lady that stalked her at her office. He recognises her as one of his many exes and calls his security team to notify them. Christian reveals that the girl’s name is Leila and that she made a “haphazard attempt to open a vein” over him.

Nice that you’re dismissive over a woman’s attempted suicide, Christian. It’s winning you more points than your dubious attitudes towards consent.

Morning comes and Christian tells Ana that she should see his personal trainer because he needs her fit.

I get that. I’m into fitness…

FIT’n’THIS WHOLE PIZZA SLICE IN MY MOUTH!!

But, seriously, Christian is trying to control her exercise regime now.

They get into an argument about Ana’s car. I haven’t been paying nearly enough attention to tell you what the deal is, but I think he sold it for her and is trying to give her the money. He calls his receptionist and has her wire the money into Ana’s account. Ana then asks how he knows her account number.

” ‘I know everything about you, Anastasia,’ he says quietly.”

And now, I’m scared. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, Grey. Try and sound more like a serial killer.

Ana, of course, doesn’t challenge him. They go to lunch.

After lunch, Christian takes Ana to a salon he often frequents (I’m saying nothing!) and tells her that she’ll be getting a haircut and a full wax. Or rather, he tells the lady at the salon.

You know, because Ana Steele is a poodle and he’s her master. Bubblebath and a treat if she’s good, please. Thank you. And don’t handle her too roughly or she’ll get scared and soil herself. I’ll be back to collect her soon, tootles!

This…is the “love story” that millions of women gush over. Hang me.

I’ve been very lucky in the sense that everyone I’ve been intimate with has been very complimentary of my body. I’ve never had a man tell me to change anything down there but if he did, he’d be out. Sorry. Your desperate need for a bald pussy is a result of porn influencing your life more than real women and it tells me that you’re kind of a pedophile. Only little girls are bare.

If you want to fuck a hairless mammal, go and shag a dolphin.

I keep her clean, neat and tidy. You can ask for it bald if you, too, are utterly devoid of hair beneath your eyebrows. No? Then don’t be a hypocrite.

But, alas, Ana stands quietly and meekly while Christian arranges her “whole body waxing”. Whole body shaming more like! *Sandra Bullock in “Miss Congeniality” snort*.

Then, it’s revealed that the owner of the salon is none other than Christian’s deflowerer, Mrs. Robinson. Isn’t it just the smallest world?

This upsets Ana. Her supposed boyfriend controlling every aspect of her life is fine and dandy but being in the same room as someone he fucked years ago causes her to go into full stroppy tantrum mode and she demands to leave.

Later, after having her hair cut by someone else, Ana demands to see the “background file” that Christian had assembled on her. It contains everything from her date of birth to her social habits. It’s the kind of thing police find at a crime scene while the neighbours are outside telling Fox News, “Well, he would keep to himself but we never would have guessed he kept them locked up in the basement.”

The chapter ends with Ana googling the symptoms of “multiple personality disorder”.

It doesn’t matter Ana, as long as all of his personalities love you….and show that they love you by bullying, controlling and dominating you.

Because love means never having to say you’re sorry….a man once wrote.

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