Chapters Five and Six: The dirty stuff begins….

In case, like me, you’ve been reading other books and have no recollection of where we left off with Ana and Christian Grey, here’s a reminder: Grey took Ana on a date, a coffee date, then refused to kiss her and told her he wasn’t the right man for her. She went out and got drunk with her male friend with an F, she drunk-called Grey and he showed up like a disgruntled stepfather and helped her hurl all over the pavement.

So chapter five begins with the sentence, “It’s very quiet”. I’m already sighing in irritation but I read on. Ana cleverly deduces that she’s in bed and that she’s warm. She then, a little less cleverly, realises that she is not actually in her own bed, but someone else’s. She takes in the room and establishes that she’s in the Heathman Hotel. So she’s in Grey’s hotel room.

She checks to see what she’s wearing and discovers that her jeans are missing and that there is a glass of fresh orange juice and two tablets on the table beside her. She finds this thoughtful. I find it patronising.

Grey then enters the room, post-gym, and asks how she is. After the usual silly prose about how Christian Grey is physical perfection, she blandly answers him and they have some dialogue about how he brought her back and took her jeans off and let her sleep. it might just be me, but none of this is striking as wholly romantic just yet. They keep talking and my eyelids are drooping. It’s Grey going on and on about how she needs to eat more, and about how she shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach.


He expresses his displeasure at her going out and getting tipsy. After all, it’s not as if she’s a single, twenty-one year old woman in possession of her own mind with no obligations to him. 

Sarcastic eyebrow is raised.

He then gives us this: “Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday”.

At this point, Ana tells him that if she were “his”, and he even tried to lay a reprimanding hand on her, she would dismember him and have him put on a register. 

Jokes, she’s an idiot; she loves it. Moron.

Grey goes to shower and Ana literally lies back on the bed and daydreams about him. Words like “desire” and “lust” are tossed about and I start daydreaming about funny dog vines.

Ana showers after him and gets a little bit sensual with herself (and by that, I mean she touches her breasts a little bit) but then breakfast arrives and she’s spooked out of it. She dresses in clothes that Grey has purchased for her which is, let’s be honest, a little frightening. If he wasn’t a super-hot billionaire doing these things, would she still be attracted to him? I’ll leave that with everyone because I’m sure it’ll come up again…

They have breakfast and Ana feebly offers to pay him for the clothes and he refuses to allow her. She brings up the books he spent $20,000 on and he starts rambling on again about how he’s not a romantic guy and that she shouldn’t cast him in that light blah blah blah.

He reveals that he can’t seem to stay away from her and she replies, “Then don’t” and then, AND THEN, it says, “He gasps, his eyes wide.”



I have never heard a man gasp. In my life. Unless he’s joking or being sarcastic. I have never heard a man genuinely gasp because a woman’s shocked him. It’s just not natural. If anything, it’s comical.

They talk a bit more and my foot cramps so I’m more focused on stretching it then reading about Ana’s Seattle internship interviews. Then, out of nowhere, Grey says, “I want to bite that lip”.

So Ana bites her lip. We all have bad habits. That, however, is not sexy. Unless you do it in a completely grotesque and exaggerated way like the Victoria Secret models, it’s not attractive. I ask anyone reading this to casually bite your lip and watch yourself doing it.

Not shexy.

He asks her out that night and when she agrees, he smirks and says, “Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge”.


If I remember my old testament and Genesis correctly, Adam was nowhere near as annoying as Christian Grey and Eve wasn’t a babbling idiot.

Grey explains that he owns a helicopter, affectionately named Charlie Tango, and that this will be their form of transport to Seattle. He nags her a bit more to eat what’s on her plate and after she does he says, “Good girl”. (good doggie). “I’ll take you home when you’ve dried your hair. I don’t want you getting ill”.

Yes. I remember the great wet hair plague of ninety-six. Thousands of women taken down by sodden scalp syndrome. Grey is too kind.

He takes a phone call, she gets dressed and then they make their way to the lift to take Ana out and to her shift at Clayton’s. As the lift doors close, Grey suddenly lunges at Ana and, lo and behold, his got her against the wall and his tongue is in her mouth.

Result for Ana! She finally has what she wants. Now maybe we can all move on with our lives.

There’s a whole paragraph dedicated to his technique and the fact that she’s never been kissed like this before. Apparently he’s quite good. Quite good can sometimes just mean an ability to keep teeth out of the equation or a talent for knowing just how much tongue to use without getting vulgar and intrusive. 

Some poor innocent bystanders get into the lift so they stop and just breathe heavily together for a bit. Ana mentally rejoices at finally getting somewhere with him and then they leave the building.







Chapter six starts with them both getting into the car, which Taylor the Valet/butler surely has to drive, and neither of them talk about what just happened. He puts on operatic music and Ana doesn’t recognise the flower duet. It’s a very famous piece that nearly everyone on this earth has heard at least once, I’m sure, and her ignorance of its existence makes me even more hateful of her. Twit.

Grey says that while he likes opera, he is also partial to Bach, as well as the Kings of Leon.

Quite the hipster.

I hate talking about music when dating someone. It’s such a subjective and personal thing and the dreaded question “so what music are you into?” can be a deal-breaker. If you have good taste in music, a list of artists fired off at request is just not possible. It needs to be a deep and meaningful revelation bled out slowly.

Stupid Grey. Stupid Ana.

Elliot calls his brother on speakerphone and is more charming and interesting in one short paragraph than Christian has been throughout the entire novel so far. Ana wonders why he won’t kiss her again and I’m instantly annoyed with her again. Hopefully we’ll be spared from her music tastes.

They arrive at Ana and Kate’s place and the latter is happily having brunch with Elliot. It’s made clear that they’re experiencing a nice afterglow and Ana is instantly jealous. Well, no offence, Ana but you’re no Kate.

Christian says he’ll see her at eight and the brothers leave. Ana wants to hear nothing about Kate’s night but rather complains about the fact that she and Christian haven’t had sex yet. Not to be rude, Ana, but you are a shiny virgin…don’t be wishing it away too soon; no matter how good he is, it’s going to hurt.

in no time at all, Ana is made up and ready and Christian picks her up and takes her, via helicopter, to dinner. This is quite a nice scene. Flying through the skies of Washington and seeing all the skyscrapers, the prose is descriptive enough to make it pleasant.

They arrive at the restaurant and Christian asks if she’s okay drinking white wine. She says yes and then he asks, “Poully-Fume okay with you?”

I’m on the floor.

It’s not even E L James’ fault. I work in a bar and we sell Poully-Fume and the name causes mass hysteria amongst all the bartenders. 

Of course Christian Grey drinks Poully-Fume.

Suddenly, Grey pulls out a contract of sorts. It’s possibly a confidentiality agreement; he doesn’t specify. We are supposed to assume, however, that it means he is about to propose they graduate to an exclusive sexual partnership.

On paper.

The chapter ends and I have to ask, is it going to get good soon or am I just broken? Why’s it not working?



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